saturn commands jaja

feeling the heavens open with hot sun blinding my 3rd eye,
mama's in revolt wont kill anyone as baby tears are muffled in the old cougar's lounge.
yesterday i was fondle my alan Ginsburg guru
again and given whys i write like this in odd meanings
 ramble  my head   objects  the reality the choice on days on days
 oh sarah finding your inner you
  not easy as you become ice cream, an
delight dairy treat in frozen culture chaos
  thoughts of finally losing your period
 given me some bloody ill whack thoughts
  freedom from overnight wads
 chewing the conversant
 air hershey bars
has me roaring for more
squash from the jardin
hoping vegs work for
internal .

more cat drama...

i am not so happy this morning, first off i dont know where my period is and last night at a bigger gathering of the social group, i saw my mate with a woman with here and him in very sexual position.  something about it made not confront this. in fact i turned my back on it. i went outside and told a young lesbo about it to get it out. she is young so she spoke up right away, i never seen blab blab. i have heard this before.   i  didn't want any sort of anything.  i would say i was being friendly with hugs and pecks with many yet in a messed up way. yet i didn't  have any male members near my crotch.  in the car i was wasted and he spoke how he would never and something about the attractive womans looks.  a retroactive response in my mind. these things happen and the woman has ruined some fools life or the fool went off the deep end. from in Oprah i trust on day tv minds men and marriage.  i have always known he is sly and lies. in the most honest way, i am stuck and feel ripped off.  recently i been think of value in inexpensive and expensive with behavior and looks.  i am so tired of the cheap way, it makes me feel anger  and be anxious.  then i am distracted by grief with the what if i learn Italiano with him will it be okay.

irked

yes, once again i am irked.  the same old reason- him he who thinks that corned beef only gets stuck in his teeth and he is invited to so many party, he doesn't respond.  he sucks or i feel irked when he says stuff like this.  it is totally frustrated and makes me mad - he is so great.  have some self respect is all i can say most the time.   all i can do is what i can do.  i just to have set my intention. 

???

here is an idea- do the evaluational- a city that's population say was 500,000. now through horrible times is 200,000. modern day example- Detroit.
what do you do with all the land / homes... 2 out of 5 houses are empty. what do you do?  relocate the peeps to somewhere else that is closer to the infrastructures like public good services and travel - bike, bus,  trains food markets, schools, university.  etc...  people dont want to leave there homes and many people as we saw in Katrina do not have the means to move to better.
yesterday, i had good day for my brain. sometimes i do miss thinking. and figure out stuff - yet everything is cluttered and sometimes i dont relate and find myself running off with younger minded or trouble makers. some of the path is disciplines replaces routine. i know i need more control for success yet there are brats among guess.  later when is that?  why do we hang on to the old stuff with false hope?

ditched

this weekend very busy and successful in no time the tide changes - i get the ultimate disrespect always by the man. he ditched me at the social group with out even in the car over there say hey i have to leave early.  boo.  it freaked me out for a bit.  grr,  put that down in the T column i also got called non sens-able in a bully way.  so today i am beating myself up greatly.   so onward we go to a new start. with being fiscally irresponsibly Pizza.  I just have to sane through Europe, get all the black cats out and the ducks in the row.  
i know in some ways i set myself up for failure or too push back because i am so boring saving money not driving every where. 

never late than ever is a big lie

so i was ill for passport deal yet today i force myself to think and do not one thing until this is resolved. well the county is going to save my ass. yay.   this is something i also call why do you never want to take your crap seriously supposedly.  sucks sure.  sometimes. i let-this happen to me because i distracted usually and learned to serve all who control me.  that's it in a statement.  now i have one hour to get to the county administration on pacific highway.  this is the only priority i have right now and of course looking some what professional. which does take at least a few turns in a mirror.  

sunday note...

he wont admit it- he procrastination as in perfection- the he is an engineer with a sense he is smarter than a working dude construction. big time! yesterday after the return of the 4 RNR more fix of 165 due to the power steering leaking. we went to a lunch a shared a big sandwich at this place called champs. i had fat tire ale and drank it about 5 seconds. i was feel worn down by the looking for supplies and the showers as the pipes drip drip drip... he said why don't you have no interstellar interest in looking... as he messed around with his phone taking photos of bar codes for an app - his new phone - the click which has a twisted existence me also pissed off.. due to we decide for xmas to keep our phones for budgets purposes and going to europe. i was feeling bit slighted knowing he has phone with an app for bar codes... also what fun not for me since - he is a looker besides remodel shower products - we looked at tools... nothing bought just a lot of time looking around! , in my opinion. i felt ran over with him in schizo way. then since i was driving he keep telling me how to get to assorted stops for the the investigation of a shower remodel... i know how to get placing and have dead reckoning as in a bat. when i said - OK let my emotion go down now- he would get to a place that was wrong. i felt like putting him in the-back seat... crap, too much. the frickin phone ... with one last grip out- on friday he said - we are minutes and stop talking so much. as what i cant talk to my family - so you can mess on your fricking phone with all the dumb ass calls by his bottom or inexperience with the phone. crazy... gas lighting as i refereed to it before - is getting some one hopes up and as in make up or great things - so the other persons thinks hang on for longer. which usually ends up with no reward. i cant believe i still fall for that crap... what a dumb ass i am . we reseated and i went home and took a nap. he did not return until four pmish. hence nothing was accomplished.

moola monday

yo a public address

i have a ramble to tell you

a mate found l dead half gone 

with fur on the grill

ugh

a possum or big rat

every time for a long time 

4 runner

been breaking down 

sticky over heated 

etc whys hows

do dead animal

car problems

smell

insane

year 2011

one year i decided to think my mother is dead, it is good advice for some one who survivor-or abuse from a hyper sexual bi polar manic nut job.   how else can you feel safe?  especially when you confront people with question and there is no answer or refusal.  sowing i go on, i am grown woman and i am afraid of my mother who is a frail broken down woman with always the ailing health.  which makes me realize my fear of doctors and drugs even if i am alcoholic, addict and adulterer.  i am going with my truly happiness which is  a massage of the world with lack of oxygen for my brain.  entertainment and war, that is the score.   last year i learned that if your mama aint nice to you- you dont have be nice back.
now this...