Tuesday, November 27, 2012

today i am full of prescience or more profound feelings to change.  so what is still what i am working on? the same old same old living with narcissistic man.  what has spurned some cognitive nogging? my anniversary and a recent trip to mexico where i was left behind restarting so many feeling i have with trust and abandonment   very sad.  also i am getting fat again and of course i know why depression and sleeping lots with eating. i also want to think i have been sucked in again by many false promises by would be prophets, some  people lie when they are being nice and are well meaning or?   i keep striving to spew something and i always end up seem-ling like compromise and not what i want and if i do it all my way- it is met with mucho emo abuse.  i have a meter of this and my life - my garden and production of craft or design which has alarming has ceased. i planted seedlings and let them die or they die while i was out again partying. i thought a lot about my life in mexico while i stood in line crying and being overwhelmed with a long weekend partying and hearing him his last bitch as we crossed the border - what are you kidding me??? all this signs don't tell me anything... even of the the whole line saw us cut in front of them. i was so embarrassed  my mouth gaped open said i was so sorry.... as turned my head he was blasting thought the gate to wait in line.  then later i learned from his description - he didnt have a good sentri card or his sentri card was not activated.  he had to deal with that crap for 40 minutes.  all day all night wtf....  also i want to say i have been listening to meditations and watch iyanala. then other thing the holidays of course and the nothing-ness from my family even with the anniversary of my mothers death.  in so many ways i am freaking and i can tell now physically - my buddha belly. bleah.  

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

i want to holler... the town is too small.  it is messed up. i am feeling anxiety for the truth you get when you face the truth,.  sure enough, it sucks in the immortal words of Suck it sucking hard, i rather run and hide.  this motor home is overwhelming right now, i  do love winnie the warrior the tr- transgender - y-annie bus with 5 guys,  the one main fear i have unrealized - i am just having hints of  the ball slammers being horn dogs with no dog or wont do the dog. they are talking a big ass game.  i am feeling left out - basically the old men's school of nasty talking tastily scantly clad females home to winnie. and, they have a stripper pole.   all the voices in your mind start rolling around and all you think is another round of bullshit.

where are we going? we are going to burning man and that is why we pooled the resources together and bought a rec vehicle together.  i hate contradicting myself or eating crow.  the thing so far is money pit and in a business sense, i dont what names the put on the title.  before 3 weeks ago, i was going in my white trash trailer and tenting it - really doing radical self realization and reliance that was my disposition. now it feels like a competition for power - the power is electrical and there 3 engineers, 1 salesman and1 banker on the bus with me.  my poor libido is not happy again.  i have feeling they aint no gentlemen either.  they left the beer bottles by the work zone.   

Monday, August 20, 2012


i am so sick of the men who i own a motor home with... every time i hear them they are talking - it is about women. i am feeling overwhelmed by it all.  

Monday, March 5, 2012

Monday's message

Today, I am going to a counselor for coping skills. I already went and I was late and missed the appointment. I still went hoping on the lateness was not so late. It was. i felt bad then they gave me a huge questionnaire to answer. so far the stupid questionable sucks. I stopped after 3 pages, I was overwhelmed and certain I am classic nut job. crap.  i came home contently stuffed the pages away and now i am like - where are those conditioned of mental disease diagnosis pages? what a good loser i am. 
i am tired of losing and staying home all the time being a lazy lay about. i am tired of being that stupid woman who is pushing 50 and so tired of the crap I have i endured  so we could have it all. the could are moving on and i am not so happy most of the time. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

update from the of jaja land

recently he has been so horrible.  i feel horrible mainly because he is horrible.    sure we both are horrible.  his mother went to hospital and he avoided seeing her. - then i told he he i was really worried for his spiritual health and felt so much guilt.  he said he felt pure hate.  then after this he changed his fricking face book picture / my sister in law which- we had a huge following out on due to blogs etc. of her kissing him. then he i said something about it and he said oh... wha??? i thought that was you in is a big scroll of photos of me blah blah blah... i hate the he said she said thing .. i am fricking livid and hurt., for his mother was close to death and my was a demon. i am mother and that is horrible. to see and think what has become. more to come.  i am in tears. the battles of ignorance is constant for me.  i so need a break from that horribleness.  it is horrible.