today i am full of prescience or more profound feelings to change.  so what is still what i am working on? the same old same old living with narcissistic man.  what has spurned some cognitive nogging? my anniversary and a recent trip to mexico where i was left behind restarting so many feeling i have with trust and abandonment   very sad.  also i am getting fat again and of course i know why depression and sleeping lots with eating. i also want to think i have been sucked in again by many false promises by would be prophets, some  people lie when they are being nice and are well meaning or?   i keep striving to spew something and i always end up seem-ling like compromise and not what i want and if i do it all my way- it is met with mucho emo abuse.  i have a meter of this and my life - my garden and production of craft or design which has alarming has ceased. i planted seedlings and let them die or they die while i was out again partying. i thought a lot about my life in mexico while i stood in line crying and being overwhelmed with a long weekend partying and hearing him his last bitch as we crossed the border - what are you kidding me??? all this signs don't tell me anything... even of the the whole line saw us cut in front of them. i was so embarrassed  my mouth gaped open said i was so sorry.... as turned my head he was blasting thought the gate to wait in line.  then later i learned from his description - he didnt have a good sentri card or his sentri card was not activated.  he had to deal with that crap for 40 minutes.  all day all night wtf....  also i want to say i have been listening to meditations and watch iyanala. then other thing the holidays of course and the nothing-ness from my family even with the anniversary of my mothers death.  in so many ways i am freaking and i can tell now physically - my buddha belly. bleah.