update from the of jaja land

recently he has been so horrible.  i feel horrible mainly because he is horrible.    sure we both are horrible.  his mother went to hospital and he avoided seeing her. - then i told he he i was really worried for his spiritual health and felt so much guilt.  he said he felt pure hate.  then after this he changed his fricking face book picture / my sister in law which- we had a huge following out on due to blogs etc. of her kissing him. then he i said something about it and he said oh... wha??? i thought that was you in is a big scroll of photos of me blah blah blah... i hate the he said she said thing .. i am fricking livid and hurt., for his mother was close to death and my was a demon. i am mother and that is horrible. to see and think what has become. more to come.  i am in tears. the battles of ignorance is constant for me.  i so need a break from that horribleness.  it is horrible.    

saturn commands jaja

feeling the heavens open with hot sun blinding my 3rd eye,
mama's in revolt wont kill anyone as baby tears are muffled in the old cougar's lounge.
yesterday i was fondle my alan Ginsburg guru
again and given whys i write like this in odd meanings
 ramble  my head   objects  the reality the choice on days on days
 oh sarah finding your inner you
  not easy as you become ice cream, an
delight dairy treat in frozen culture chaos
  thoughts of finally losing your period
 given me some bloody ill whack thoughts
  freedom from overnight wads
 chewing the conversant
 air hershey bars
has me roaring for more
squash from the jardin
hoping vegs work for
internal .

more cat drama...

i am not so happy this morning, first off i dont know where my period is and last night at a bigger gathering of the social group, i saw my mate with a woman with here and him in very sexual position.  something about it made not confront this. in fact i turned my back on it. i went outside and told a young lesbo about it to get it out. she is young so she spoke up right away, i never seen blab blab. i have heard this before.   i  didn't want any sort of anything.  i would say i was being friendly with hugs and pecks with many yet in a messed up way. yet i didn't  have any male members near my crotch.  in the car i was wasted and he spoke how he would never and something about the attractive womans looks.  a retroactive response in my mind. these things happen and the woman has ruined some fools life or the fool went off the deep end. from in Oprah i trust on day tv minds men and marriage.  i have always known he is sly and lies. in the most honest way, i am stuck and feel ripped off.  recently i been think of value in inexpensive and expensive with behavior and looks.  i am so tired of the cheap way, it makes me feel anger  and be anxious.  then i am distracted by grief with the what if i learn Italiano with him will it be okay.

irked

yes, once again i am irked.  the same old reason- him he who thinks that corned beef only gets stuck in his teeth and he is invited to so many party, he doesn't respond.  he sucks or i feel irked when he says stuff like this.  it is totally frustrated and makes me mad - he is so great.  have some self respect is all i can say most the time.   all i can do is what i can do.  i just to have set my intention. 

???

here is an idea- do the evaluational- a city that's population say was 500,000. now through horrible times is 200,000. modern day example- Detroit.
what do you do with all the land / homes... 2 out of 5 houses are empty. what do you do?  relocate the peeps to somewhere else that is closer to the infrastructures like public good services and travel - bike, bus,  trains food markets, schools, university.  etc...  people dont want to leave there homes and many people as we saw in Katrina do not have the means to move to better.
yesterday, i had good day for my brain. sometimes i do miss thinking. and figure out stuff - yet everything is cluttered and sometimes i dont relate and find myself running off with younger minded or trouble makers. some of the path is disciplines replaces routine. i know i need more control for success yet there are brats among guess.  later when is that?  why do we hang on to the old stuff with false hope?

ditched

this weekend very busy and successful in no time the tide changes - i get the ultimate disrespect always by the man. he ditched me at the social group with out even in the car over there say hey i have to leave early.  boo.  it freaked me out for a bit.  grr,  put that down in the T column i also got called non sens-able in a bully way.  so today i am beating myself up greatly.   so onward we go to a new start. with being fiscally irresponsibly Pizza.  I just have to sane through Europe, get all the black cats out and the ducks in the row.  
i know in some ways i set myself up for failure or too push back because i am so boring saving money not driving every where. 

never late than ever is a big lie

so i was ill for passport deal yet today i force myself to think and do not one thing until this is resolved. well the county is going to save my ass. yay.   this is something i also call why do you never want to take your crap seriously supposedly.  sucks sure.  sometimes. i let-this happen to me because i distracted usually and learned to serve all who control me.  that's it in a statement.  now i have one hour to get to the county administration on pacific highway.  this is the only priority i have right now and of course looking some what professional. which does take at least a few turns in a mirror.