?

there is always one thing that gets me = motha fucker be trippin- besides the lot.  what  is the big difference between- not tolerating some one breaking the law - to how people will tolerate lies or silence.  it is funny, with the new adage i hear for growth is transparency- there isnt much if you don't write. i could write a million lines and i have heard them ALL.   i suppose or assumed they do too, for we all be spoon raised by love god and country in schools and have some college. some might say i am well educated too- and some hide their pain in there heart for no one to see. there is equality respectfully and then there is control with  dont judge until you walk in my shoes or until you experience that - you have no clue.  i do find it insulting and exclusive, and whine overly about dignity and vanity. people work when it suits them, people love when it suits them, people are loyal when it suits them and people kill when it suits them, so dont go wasting any time making people love you and please dont fuck around with my dog. what i got is what i got which is love. 

rant vent bitch!

I am feeling pissy and reactive.  I am having an event on Saturday and now there are so many events  on that day some people , sadly my people i perceived as true friend that i would be loyal to death with>  behaving like a losers in my mind for being a party jumpers ala extrovert always revving the better party with the better socio social...." oh i am extrovert - i have to juggle my responsibilities and parties now"  oh well, fuck you very much, ye with no memory - i think on Saturday who ever shows up on Saturday is now my new best friends and screw you.  i dont what this tantrum is called projection or reflection or slander...  this is exactly why i am introvert, it is exhausting to keep up for you when i could be in the field of dreams.

 Every first Thursday of every month - Drunko bunco where i must reap a beating and major win.  last time i missed for 2 bitches in the group are really bitches and snotty in the closet lesbians and parade around as best friend and travel companions, this ladies are angry with me for - the a couple months ago- one of them said something about have a three way with one their best friends in her drunken stupor.... and in my drunken superior stupor, i said interesting - and told them really didn't need a man... ugh. then one the ladies' cat attacked me and broke skin. this cat is an aggressive cat 25 fat male cat who swipes at every one who walks by.  i got hit by the cat claws and it pierced my skin. the lesbos said  -i must stepped on his tail. since then i have been getting the major cold shoulder or fuck you. these 2 - are in better-standing in this group as the ones who win all the time.  i  am the one who wants to keep record of the wins of the group to see. i am feeling anxious for this match down and dont know how i should behave when since i kind want to be verbally abusive to them in major personality disorder way.

today i am full of prescience or more profound feelings to change.  so what is still what i am working on? the same old same old living with narcissistic man.  what has spurned some cognitive nogging? my anniversary and a recent trip to mexico where i was left behind restarting so many feeling i have with trust and abandonment   very sad.  also i am getting fat again and of course i know why depression and sleeping lots with eating. i also want to think i have been sucked in again by many false promises by would be prophets, some  people lie when they are being nice and are well meaning or?   i keep striving to spew something and i always end up seem-ling like compromise and not what i want and if i do it all my way- it is met with mucho emo abuse.  i have a meter of this and my life - my garden and production of craft or design which has alarming has ceased. i planted seedlings and let them die or they die while i was out again partying. i thought a lot about my life in mexico while i stood in line crying and being overwhelmed with a long weekend partying and hearing him his last bitch as we crossed the border - what are you kidding me??? all this signs don't tell me anything... even of the the whole line saw us cut in front of them. i was so embarrassed  my mouth gaped open said i was so sorry.... as turned my head he was blasting thought the gate to wait in line.  then later i learned from his description - he didnt have a good sentri card or his sentri card was not activated.  he had to deal with that crap for 40 minutes.  all day all night wtf....  also i want to say i have been listening to meditations and watch iyanala. then other thing the holidays of course and the nothing-ness from my family even with the anniversary of my mothers death.  in so many ways i am freaking and i can tell now physically - my buddha belly. bleah.  

i want to holler... the town is too small.  it is messed up. i am feeling anxiety for the truth you get when you face the truth,.  sure enough, it sucks in the immortal words of Suck it sucking hard, i rather run and hide.  this motor home is overwhelming right now, i  do love winnie the warrior the tr- transgender - y-annie bus with 5 guys,  the one main fear i have unrealized - i am just having hints of  the ball slammers being horn dogs with no dog or wont do the dog. they are talking a big ass game.  i am feeling left out - basically the old men's school of nasty talking tastily scantly clad females home to winnie. and, they have a stripper pole.   all the voices in your mind start rolling around and all you think is another round of bullshit.

where are we going? we are going to burning man and that is why we pooled the resources together and bought a rec vehicle together.  i hate contradicting myself or eating crow.  the thing so far is money pit and in a business sense, i dont what names the put on the title.  before 3 weeks ago, i was going in my white trash trailer and tenting it - really doing radical self realization and reliance that was my disposition. now it feels like a competition for power - the power is electrical and there 3 engineers, 1 salesman and1 banker on the bus with me.  my poor libido is not happy again.  i have feeling they aint no gentlemen either.  they left the beer bottles by the work zone.   

winnie

i am so sick of the men who i own a motor home with... every time i hear them they are talking - it is about women. i am feeling overwhelmed by it all.  

Monday's message

Today, I am going to a counselor for coping skills. I already went and I was late and missed the appointment. I still went hoping on the lateness was not so late. It was. i felt bad then they gave me a huge questionnaire to answer. so far the stupid questionable sucks. I stopped after 3 pages, I was overwhelmed and certain I am classic nut job. crap.  i came home contently stuffed the pages away and now i am like - where are those conditioned of mental disease diagnosis pages? what a good loser i am. 

i am tired of losing and staying home all the time being a lazy lay about. i am tired of being that stupid woman who is pushing 50 and so tired of the crap I have i endured  so we could have it all. the could are moving on and i am not so happy most of the time.